


Absolution

by MrsHamill



Series: Penitence [5]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-05-10
Updated: 2001-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 00:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim's crisis of conscience is head off at the pass. This story is a sequel to Penance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> No, the series STILL doesn't have a name. Maybe Telling the Rosary. I dunno. It's almost over anyway. Thanks, Fox, for telling me I'm learning something from you! And thanks everyone who has written to me on it. I live for feedback!

* * *

Better than I was last week, anyway. 

Well, kind of. Everything's changed, doc. 

Everything. 

Sandburg started at the academy yesterday. He's only got to take the weapons course and test out of a few required classes -- piece of cake for the brainiac -- and it should only take him about three or four weeks, tops. He came home, yesterday, just bouncing. Happy as a clam. About as tight-mouthed too... wouldn't tell me much about his day. I'm sure he's taking _some_ heat, but apparently it's not enough to bother him. 

Yeah. 

Well, how _I_ feel about it is kind of irrelevant, don't you think? I mean, it's his life. I've interfered too much in it as it is. 

Okay, okay, you've got a point. I feel... I feel... 

I don't know how I feel. 

Odd. Numb. 

Well, yeah. Everything _has_ changed. He... he got his hair cut. Before he started. He always said he wouldn't... then he did. 

And we had a talk. A long talk. I think he was pretty happy about that, anyway. I told him how I felt about Naomi, and we... well, we talked for a long time. 

You know, I thought I knew him. I really thought I did. But... I didn't. He told me about his life... told me how Naomi would drag him places, all over the country... all over the world. I thought I used to envy him that a bit... now... well, I'm not so sure. 

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. My home life wasn't exactly the greatest -- as you know -- but at least it was fairly _stable_. 

All kinds of things. I kind of found myself opening up to him. And... uh, I told him another one, from the list? The first one. And we talked about Alex. 

It is so strange... it's been over a year and we never talked about that horrible time. About how he... died. We should have. We ended up getting all maudlin and drunk and weepy on the sofa, and had tremendous hangovers the next day. But it felt better. 

Well, that's the weirdest thing that happened last week. I guess... I guess I really need to talk about those damn dreams. And before you ask, no, I haven't talked to Sandburg about them. And I'm not sure I want to. 

No... just... getting up my courage. Heh. 

Anyway. 

The dreams were... really getting intense after I talked to you last time. It was almost like I could _feel_ the blows, you know? At... at first, I couldn't do anything but sit there and take it. Watch his mouth move. Then, after we talked last week... I noticed... started noticing stuff. 

He was crying as he was hitting me. _That_ really screwed me over. I -- I realized, that... that it was hurting him as much as me. Maybe more. It kind of tore me up inside... I hate seeing him hurt. 

So I tried doing what you suggested, the lucid dreaming thing. Taking control of the dream. I tried to turn up my dials, to really listen to what he was saying, you know? At first, it didn't work. But it did throw me right out of the dream. I woke up in a cold sweat at six in the morning. 

Yeah, I did. That's why I can remember these so well. It was a good idea, that dream log. Hurt like a son-of-a-bitch to write it, but... oddly enough, it helped too. 

Okay, okay, you can stop smiling... I deserved that. 

Anyway. 

Yeah... that would help. My mouth is kind of dry. Thanks. 

So I kept trying. And I started... started hearing things. It didn't make a whole lot of sense at first, but slowly, I started figuring it out. 

The first things I heard... well, it was like he was pleading with me. And it didn't match the situation at all. Sometimes... well, I get into these 'zone outs' Sandburg calls them. It's like... like I focus too hard on one sense and just... uh... zone out. That really is the best way to put it. And when I do, he can bring me back. He talks to me, softly, and -- and -- touches me. I've come out of these zones hearing him plead with me to come back, snap out of it... and that's what it sounded like in the dream. He kept saying please, please, Jim, don't, please don't... 

I don't know. It was just... don't. 

It... it made me feel... sad, I think. Unhappy. I wanted to do what he was asking of me, but I didn't understand what he was asking me to do. And I couldn't talk. I kept trying, but nothing came out. 

So anyway. After... after that Friday when we got all drunk and soppy, while I was sleeping it off, I had the dream again. And this time, I really, really tried to take control of it. It was like I -- I forced myself to dial up, to _listen_ instead of just, just hear. You know? 

And... and... and that's when... huh. Excuse me. 

Sorry. 

And that's when it... started to get... really strange. 

I know... I know. It's just that... whoa. It was weird. 

Okay... just a minute. 

So. He was crying, like I said, and begging me not to do something over and over. And hitting me, of course, torturing me. But... but suddenly... he wasn't hitting me. 

He was kissing me. 

He was crying, and kissing me, and damned if I wasn't kissing him back. I -- I -- 

Yeah... a little... it was still that don't, don't litany, over and over again, but it was softer. It... it... 

Doc... I'm not gay. 

Well... yeah... but... 

That has nothing to do with it! Sure, I love him, and I'm sure he loves me. But I'm not gay... not even bi... I mean, Blair might be, he's only ever brought home women but it's really none of my business... 

It's kind of a hard thing to set aside... 

Again with the feelings! Sorry. I know they're important, that it's important, but it's just really _hard_ for me to... 

Good. It felt... good. Right. 

Why am I... Well, that's a dumb question isn't it? I'm... I'm embarrassed. 

Oh, don't. Sandburg... he's always giving me the 'other cultures' lecture, and it gets old. I know we're a repressed and fucked-up culture. I know this. It doesn't change the fact that *I'm not gay*! I've never even been attracted to another man... 

The what? 

Oh. That's the guy that studied human sexuality, isn't he? 

Okay, fine. I'll play. What do the ratings mean? 

I guess a one or a two, then. I mean, yeah, I can appreciate it if some guy is good-looking, buff, takes care of himself, whatever. And yeah, Blair's... well, he's good-looking. 

Okay, he's beautiful. But that doesn't mean... 

Yeah, I know. You dream about sex and it means... I don't know, banking. Tennis. You dream about teapots and it means sex. But still. This was just... it... it really bothered me, Doc. It still does. 

Yes, it does! 

Yeah, I remember last week. 

I am? 

Oh. 

I am... I guess. 

So... the reason I'm... calmer... is because... 

I've already accepted it. 

Doc.... 

What am I gonna do? 

Heh. Okay, don't panic, I can do that. 

I think what it means is that I'm fucked up. 

Well *that's* a relief anyway. 

Sorry. 

So you don't think... that -- that Sandburg and I are going to end up tumbling into bed and swapping spit and words of undying love any time soon, huh? 

Yeah, I'd like to understand it. I think, anyway. 

Oh, cut me a break here, doc! I can't talk to him about _this_! Sure, we're talking more, it's easier, but it's not THAT easy! 

Heh. Well, yeah, Sandburg would certainly get a kick out of the fact that my subconscious and conscious mind appear to be duking it out. But I don't think... 

Trust my instincts. 

Yeah, I know that. It just feels wrong to _me_. 

Okay. What, no assignments, doc? 

Oh. Yeah. I could do that. Tell him about the old dream... 

Well... I'm not sure I can do _that_... 

Doc... 

Tell me the truth. I'm not... I'm not all fucked up? Blair is just... just too important to me to lose... to hurt. Again. 

Yes. I trust him. I trust him with my life. 

Okay. 

Sure. 

Next week. Thanks, doc. 

end 


End file.
